Wake Up

Originally posted May 27th 2021

Seven years ago, I was in an acting class and the instructor gave me a spoken word assignment. I didn’t know at the time that the assignment would be the catalyst to releasing a burden I had been carrying most of my life. The responsibility, and mourning of my fathers passing. Despite this piece not having a solid ending at the time of its performance, Andy, my professor and the class encouraged me to finish it and perhaps even it get published. It has taken seven years, but I finally got the ending. Today for the final time, I am releasing this burden and allowing myself to whole heartedly believe that while this will always be a part of me, it will no longer control me. 

Wake Up

Last night I dreamt of him.

I could only watch helplessly from the sidelines as his car was impaled by the train and then rolled over and over and over again like some god damn slinky toy. 

I watched them put him in the ground.....

No! Please! WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING?!

You can’t take him, I’m not ready!

What the hell where you thinking Michael?! Getting behind the wheel in THAT state, honestly?!

You were on your way to get ME. I caused your death.

You might as well have taken me with you because I am lost without you.

I grew up without your guidance and the void of you has left an impact that still bleeds into my life today in insidious ways that I can’t even begin to explain. 

If I had been with you, I wouldn’t have had to endure any of it

WHO am I without you?

It’s been twenty seven years dad, and I still don’t know.

But I can’t keep living like this. 

My life cannot revolve around the loss of you anymore, I refuse to be the girl forever scared by the loss of her father. My life cannot be a snapshot stories of “What If’s”. 

Carrying the responsibility of your death isn’t something that I can shoulder anymore. The loss of you has made me who I am and despite all of its challenges I would not change that fact. 

I didn’t get to know you, but I have got to live my life as if you are proud of the woman I have become.

It’s time for me to not be worried about following in your path, and know that even if my footsteps mirror yours it’s the path I’m meant to be on. It’s time for me to acknowledge that I’m okay without you. That this, this is what my life was meant to be. And it’s time for me to let love in regardless of how fearful I am that it will leave again. I will always love you, but it's time I let you go. 

It's time for me to wake up.