Celebrating 33

For me, this trip was originally just going to be a tattoo trip. Yet I realized it could be so much more. It could be a chance to rewrite some memories, reclaim some spaces, more importantly though….reclaim myself.

A few years ago, I was in Orlando with some people who stole every last spark I had. In that trip which I planned for us, I was treated worse than a doormat. Which wasn’t uncommon with them, but for some reason, maybe it was being in a different setting, a different state, something fundamentally shifted how I viewed it all. At every turn, the people who were supposed to love me stole my joy and excitement in anyway they could, they somehow still beat me down and excluded me in any way they could. They turned a blind eye to how much pain I was in, didn’t bat an eye when I knocked back a 24 pack of alcohol in 2 days and started off my alcoholism. Over seven years I had allowed these people to beat me down, change me into someone i didn’t recognize, and it was that trip where I realized I’d never be good enough for them and they’d never stop and I just needed to leave.  I had become so intertwined into a unit that I forgot how to be my own person. It took me several more months before I did, but I did eventually leave. And it truly has been the BEST thing I’ve ever done for myself.

It has been hard living without friends who were such a constant. Rewiring your brain to know you deserve so much more. It’s been even harder to get the spark back. To allow myself to be excited about things freely without judgment. To be expressive. To take as much time as I need. To take up as much space as I need.

And so I did exactly that. The freedom I had to be here by myself. It hit like something I’d truly never experienced and I’ve traveled solo plenty. This was profoundly different. 

I woke up when I wanted, I got transport when I wanted, I got food when I wanted and needed. I got excited when I wanted and I didn’t hold myself back with how expressive I was or with how many messages I sent to a friend or how many pictures I took. I rode Hagrid’s five time back to back just because I could. I wandered shops for a few hours without buying anything, again, JUST BECAUSE I COULD. I stared at the castle, and I just sat around and listed to the park songs and sounds. I noticed things I hadn’t before because there was no rush. I had the pleasure of time. I laughed and marveled at the details and things I hadn’t noticed before. So much details in these parks. So much beauty. I talked and laughed with strangers, something I haven’t felt comfortable doing in a long time. No matter how many times I come, it still feels like a third place, another “home.” For me the Harry Potter IP will always be the solace that got me through some tough childhood shit, and the book that got me to read when I was struggling to read in school. It is and always will be a comfort, but fuck JKR.

After two days in the parks I popped on over to get a tattoo. Which was an experience and a half and is a whole other story itself, but the design is gorgeous and “totally me”!!!

This was a year for so many reasons I didn’t plan or think I would see. Yet I am glad it comes with some fundamental shifts. To think I almost allowed some Mean Girls to take away a comforting space and to take away fundamental parts of who I am... Well, I have a lot of empathy for past me. I hope to see more character growth and it’s been hella cool to slowly see the spark of ChelsieJo returning.