Celebrating 33

For me, this trip was originally just going to be a tattoo trip. Yet I realized it could be so much more. It could be a chance to rewrite some memories, reclaim some spaces, more importantly though….reclaim myself.

A few years ago, I was in Orlando with some people who stole every last spark I had. In that trip which I planned for us, I was treated like a doormat, like the accessory friend. Which wasn’t uncommon with them, but for some reason, maybe it was being in a different setting, a different state, something fundamentally shifted how I viewed it all.

At every turn, I noticed more and more of all the small things, but especially how they seemed to steal my joy at times, or seemed indifferent to anything fundamental in my life I did. They turned a blind eye to how much pain I was in, I never seemed quite as important to them as they did to each other. No one batted an eye that weekend when I knocked back a 24 pack of alcohol in 2 days and started off my alcoholism just to deal with the realization of it all. I kept thinking to myself how over seven years I had allowed these people to water me down, dull me, and sometimes even downright insult me and isolate me.

I became someone i didn’t recognize, and it was that trip where I realized I’d never be good enough for them and they’d never stop and I just needed to leave.  I had become so intertwined into a unit that I forgotten how to be my own person. It took me several more months before I did, but I did eventually leave. And it truly has been the BEST thing I’ve ever done for myself. The thing is though, as much blame as I can sit here and point at them for their toxicity, I can point the same fingers back at myself too. All those years, all those instances where I felt smaller, where I allowed fat shaming straight from one of their mouths, where I allowed a lack of reciprocity, and more..... at the end of the day, I allowed it. I quieted that voice in my head that was telling me to let go, to fight back, to stand up, to walk away, and so I stayed. Getting to the place where I could rally myself enough to listen to that voice and take the needed steps for myself was more of a jump for my character than it is for me to acknowledge how much I was wronged.

It has been hard living without friends who were such a constant. Rewiring your brain to know you deserve so much more. It’s been even harder to get the spark back. To allow myself to be excited about things freely and without judgment. To be expressive. To take as much time as I need. To take up as much space as I need.

And so for this trip, I did exactly that. The freedom I had to be here by myself. It hit like something I’d truly never experienced and I’ve traveled solo plenty. This was profoundly different. 

I woke up when I wanted, I got transport when I wanted, I got food when I wanted and needed. I got excited when I wanted and I didn’t hold myself back with how expressive I was or with how many messages I sent to a friend or how many pictures I took. I rode Hagrid’s five times back to back just because I could. I wandered shops for a few hours without buying anything, again, JUST BECAUSE I COULD. I stared at the castle, and I just sat around and listed to the park songs and sounds. I noticed things I hadn’t before because there was no rush. I had the pleasure of time. I laughed and marveled at the details and things I hadn’t noticed before. So much details in these parks. So much beauty. I talked and laughed with strangers, something I haven’t felt comfortable doing in a long time. No matter how many times I come, it still feels like a third place, another “home.” For me the Harry Potter IP will always be the solace that got me through some tough childhood shit, and the book that got me to read when I was struggling to read in school. It is and always will be a comfort, but fuck JKR.

After two days in the parks I popped on over to get a tattoo. Which was an experience and a half and is a whole other story itself, but the design is gorgeous and “totally me”!!!

This was a year for so many reasons I didn’t plan or think I would see. Yet I am glad it comes with some fundamental shifts. To think I almost allowed some people to take away a comforting space and to take away fundamental parts of who I am... Well, I have a lot of empathy for past me. I hope to see more character growth and it’s been hella cool to slowly see the spark of myself returning.

As much as I have walked away from, I know that only leaves more space for the right things to come in, and that's the one thing that propels me forward. No matter how many days I may sit alone and feel empty and feel the lack of these peoples presence in my life, knowing I'm am opening up space for the right people to come in and making space for myself to be authentically me, gives me the smallest glimmer of hope I need to keep going.

For anyone who has had their spark dulled by someone, know that leaving isn't the hardest part. Getting yourself back into your body enough to KNOW you need to leave is. Leaving is secondary, and finding yourself again afterward, is after that in difficulty. I encourage you to find the strength to listen to that voice in your head and trust it. To know you deserve more and aren't asking for too much, you're just asking the wrong people. Once you've done that, I encourage you to go back to the places you thought you couldn't go again. Go back outside and live your life even on the days it seems the hardest. Understand that not every day will be easy, but if you put in the work, you'll start finding pieces of yourself again. You'll start reclaiming spaces again. Life will be lived again. Edited: April 2026.