Year 2174

In high school I had an English Teacher give all their classes an assignment, write a letter to your future self. Sounds simple enough, yet I blew this assignment off until the last possible minute because it wasn't something I was capable of fathoming. A future me? Hell, I couldn't even see past tomorrow. At the time the assignment was a burden, so I of course made up nonsense just to have a grade. Now however, I see it for what it needed to be, forced manifestation.

Listen, I am not normally one those believers of manifestation. The power of thought can be great, but I haven't "manifested" seven million dollars so I never have to work again. Nor have I manifested relationships, friendships, or career opportunities, so the practice can't possibly be based in truth, right?

Maybe it starts slower and far more insidious. If a future me beyond tomorrow is something I could never envision, I know it's only feeding into the suicidality. So what if as a little practice to self betterment, I practice envisioning it.

Below is the first attempt I wrote myself a little over a week ago. It is my hope that a continued practice like this will reshape the way I think about myself and a future that is so hard to envision in this world already, and even more so when you're mental health is in the gutter. I hope any reader can take from it what you need and save what you don't for later.

My darling girl. 

You’ve had quite the ride so far haven’t you? 

You have endured for decades and you’re finding yourself in near mimicry of father’s footsteps. 

Your life is hailed by all for your persistence. A feature you scoff at. Mere survival shouldn’t be hailed as admirable. 

I wish I could tell you that it gets better. I wish I could convince you to hang on. I know your plan. Arriving at it didn’t feel like the end, it felt right, it felt freeing. I know the lack of fulfillment is to save someone from heartbreak when yours has never been anything but. 

My sweet angel. I understand you long for nothing more than for someone to be there as you have always been there for others. You need a heart that’s kin to yours. I wish I could say you find it, but the honest truth is I don’t know. 

In your lifetime, You could leave no impact. You could accomplish nothing. It’s an honest and harsh reality to face. Yet there’s another reality worth mentioning. Perhaps 150 years from now someone finds your footprint and they carry your lived experiences with them. Maybe it’s that famed nimbus 2000 replica you made that  someone passed down. Maybe it’s an art piece someone finds in a  whatever version of a thrift store exists in the year 2174. Maybe your writings get published. Who knows!!

I don’t have the encouragement you seek. I can’t tell you holding on is worth it. I’m here now, and I still don’t have the answers.

You’ve never thought of me before. A future was something too difficult to comprehend. Too precarious, nuanced, and too foreign. Yet here I am. 

Yet here I am. Maybe not far from now, maybe further than you can allow yourself to dream. Here I am all the same. 

And maybe the best laid plans are the ones that happen slower than we think. Or maybe they are plans we never commit to, have as a safety net, and have the power to choose another path. 

All I know is I am here. With how little I know, I’d say that itself is a miraculous thing.