You decided to live, now what?

“You decided to live, now what?”

No seriously….

Congrats! You didn’t commit to the bit, but what the FUCK happens now?!

I did not plan to be here past September 2024.

Ask me what stopped me, I wouldn’t be able to tell you.

Now I sit here unsure of what's next. Unsure how to move forward, much less how to talk about it.

By nature, I am a carefree and easily excitable person. I laugh easily, I love freely and deeply and I’m confident in who I am. 

That’s what I choose to show. It doesn’t mean I am devoid of pain. 

Long ago given advice is forgotten amidst all the pain. “Find one thing a day to look forward to. It can be making yourself a latte in the morning, a new lunch spot, or putting on that face mask at night. Find one small thing and use it to propel you.”  Professor Jett, she spoke as if she knew.

It came to a point where even the small sparks of life, didn’t move my soul much. Something fundamental was still missing.

The day after, It was impossible at first.

Burdensome enough a decision to wake or just sleep more. Hours became days.

Every morning the same decision made. Stay or Go. I kept choosing stay, and it was the only decision I was capable of making. Everything else passed in a haze as autopilot took over. 

Some days you wonder if you are delaying the inevitable or moving forward. Never concretely knowing anything. 

Days became weeks.

Weeks became months. 

And I don’t know how but eventually only being able to see to the days end, becomes planning your weekend.

New plans replace the old, or at least keep them at bay. 

So now I’m stumbling my way through figuring out what it means to still be here.

I can’t offer a message of hope. My own is a fraying tightrope. Most days, still quite burdensome.

If I have any purpose in life, I have always believed it to be my ability to connect with anyone about anything, and sharing my life through introspective writing.

I will continue to be open about this new journey in the in - between and all the ways I find to move forward.  This is a chapter I share without shame. It is a chapter in my life, it will NOT be the story. I will heal loudly and obnoxiously because the world almost lost me in my silence.

To anyone else living in this state of flux, I just want you to know you’re not alone. Whatever you need to do to make it through is fine. It’s okay if all you can do right now is wake up. It’s perfectly normal if all you do on your weekends is lounge around. And yes, even in this descent into the apocalypse, you can want more from those around you, because you know it’s what you need, and there’s nothing wrong with needing that.

So here’s to finding more.